On Gender: Men Know Best (?)

March 16, 2015

by Azrul Mohd Khalib

http://www.themalaymailonline.com/opinion/azrul-mohd-khalib/article/men-know-best

Manhood is about believing in shared power, responsibility and decision making whether at the highest levels of government or in a relationship between two individuals. It is about recognising the need for relationships to be built on mutual respect and equality. To speak out against gender based violence and abuse. And that it is ok to ask for help. Treating each other with equal respect. That is manhood.–Azrul Khalib

We really don’t. Seriously. It’s just bollocks. Any issue that you can think of needing to be solved or discussed, it is always best left to the best brains around the table, regardless of whatever gender they might be.

Born with the right kind of plumbing doesn’t give you the keys to the kingdom. Neither does it automatically bequeath you with wisdom and intelligence. But the reality is often very different.

There’s an interesting photo from a conservative country in the Middle East floating out there on the Internet, of participants of a conference on women’s issues. Not easy really to have a meeting like that in that region, so maybe we should be thankful for small miracles that these issues were even recognised as worthy for discussion. Except that every participant was a keffiyeh-wearing male.

Least you think that that sort of attitude is exclusive to that part of the world which suffers from excessive sniffing of oil fumes, consider the fact that back in 2013, the US Congress excluded women from the panel to discuss women’s reproductive rights and a national ban on abortion after 20 weeks. The year before, another panel had refused to allow women to testify on birth control. Something which women know one or two things about.

It’s 2015 and in many parts of the world, developed and developing, men continue to have power over a woman’s life and her body, and denying them the right to be treated equally, and even to be regarded as a human being. Why? Because men know best and manhood must reign supreme.

Let’s face it. The concepts and expectations of manhood mess up not only women and girls, but also men and boys. It hasn’t progressed very far from the days when a guy used a club to bonk a girl on the head to avoid tedious conversation and possible rejection and dragged her home. We often are trapped or trap ourselves in social expectations and norms of how men and women should treat each other.

Tired of listening to your wife or girlfriend nag about your drinking and shirking responsibilities? One slap in the face should do it. We even say that religion gives us licence to discipline our wife. Oh, by the way, tell her to stop working because a man needs to be the main breadwinner for the family while a woman’s place is in the kitchen and taking care of the four kids. Notwithstanding the fact that she is a qualified engineer, makes more money than you do and a dual income family is increasingly a necessity.

Fancy that cute and nubile girl who is in your class? Never mind that you are a 24-year-old teacher and she is your student who just turned 14 last month. Go on, and your guy friends will praise and congratulate you for snagging a dara yang molek as your bride. Oh, and you’re not supposed to ask about sex because men are supposed to be demigod-like, all knowing about these issues and to guide the women accordingly. Demigods don’t raise their hands and ask for help or clarification.

This is what manhood is very frequently about. Think about it. If it sounds wrong to you, that’s because it is. What’s just as bad is when you have women defending the men’s right to be all the above in the name of culture, religion and values.

Let me share with you what I believe in. I believe that manhood is not based on how much power you can exert on the lives of others; on how much pain and suffering that can be endured; on how many sexual partners you can get into bed with; or using sexual violence or any kind of violence for that matter.

Manhood is about believing in shared power, responsibility and decision making whether at the highest levels of government or in a relationship between two individuals. It is about recognising the need for relationships to be built on mutual respect and equality. To speak out against gender based violence and abuse. And that it is ok to ask for help. Treating each other with equal respect. That is manhood.

Think about the screw-ups, debacles, and the prevalent tidak apa, bodoh sombong and malu nak bertanya attitude that persists in the way we address crises, disasters, corruption, politics, governance and everyday problems. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was linked to manhood issues because the mindset and the majority of our leaders are generally men.

There are not enough women in national leadership positions and those who are up there are happy to let the boys rule and get their way. I was recently drawn by a comment made by Ivy Josiah (left), one of Malaysia’s respected human rights activists, who said that rather than having a #HeforShe campaign, a #HeforHe campaign was needed.

That we, men need to sort ourselves out. That men and boys need to educate themselves about patriarchy, power and male privilege. That we need to stop blaming others and take responsibility for the violence being committed on women and girls.

While I still think that the #HeforShe campaign is an important movement, I agree with Ivy that we need to begin a conversation amongst ourselves, men and boys, on how we deal with these issues. We need to sort ourselves out. Because, seriously, men don’t know best and should stop pretending and believing that it is so.

*This is the personal opinion of the columnist.